Why is it always a let down?
Being the festive season that it is, I decided to take a plunge in my personal life, one that I normally wouldn’t have done, but made me feel stronger at the time (not so much anymore!).
You know when you think you want something, you go out of your comfort zone, you get closer and closer to it, you start convincing yourself that maybe you do deserve that one thing, and then you get it; you get it, and you are suddenly wondering is that what you really wanted or is it what you thought was what you should want? I’m not going to go into detail, but something along these lines happened to me. I should have been ecstatic, it was what most people would have wanted, however I just wasn’t feeling it. I thought maybe it was because I was scared to allow myself to enjoy these kind of things, but no, I simply believe I am just not that kind of person, or at least not yet anyway.
But then I tried to convince myself to let it happen, to enjoy it, to not be scared and to let my guard down. And what happens? Once again I get hurt, no explanation, no closure as always. Or maybe I didn’t get hurt or lose it, but simply became a different person and certain things affected me in a way that they normally wouldn’t have due to past experiences and insecurities.
So why is it that I constantly try and convince myself that it’s not what I want, but then when I have it and lose it I feel like it’s the only thing I ever wanted? I’m a headstrong person, with my ideas pretty clear – yet I’m somehow indecisive. I know this is incompatible, however this is what I am – complicated, complicated but ME!
Why are you single? None of your business
Don’t you feel lonely? NO.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one without a stable partner – and it doesn’t help that people constantly ask me why I’m single; but one thing I know for sure, I DON’T CARE!
I’m at that age where everyone around me is starting to get married, have kids or even in some cases get divorced! So why do I feel like I’m not even ready to start that journey yet?
It could be due to the way I was brought up, it could be due to things I have seen and heard over the years, it could even be that I don’t believe in wasting time in a relationship if I truly don’t believe there is a future in it. The fact that the majority of my friends are male also leads me to be distrusting at times – they have shown me time and time again how they think when they are in a relationship (and have claimed to be in love even though cheating constantly on their girlfriends) – so why should I trust someone?
I’m not saying I will never be in a relationship, actually I hope that one day I do find that person that I can trust in, who I can share moments with, who I can learn from and grow old with… I’m just saying, that why rush into something I don’t feel ready for- age is just a number! If it’s meant to be it will happen, there is no point in forcing myself into something that in the future won’t complete me as a person.
For the moment, I would rather invest my time in focusing on myself, my career and enjoying nights out, meeting new people and having fun- and if I happen to cross that special someone along the way, then why not!
I promise to myself from here on, to keep on enjoying single life, to let things happen, to let my guard down at times but to think with my head and not only with my heart, let destiny choose for me.
So to everyone who has asked me over these last few weeks/months…There’s your answer!