Disappointment ?

Why is it always a let down?

Being the festive season that it is, I decided to take a plunge in my personal life, one that I normally wouldn’t have done, but made me feel stronger at the time (not so much anymore!).

You know when you think you want something, you go out of your comfort zone, you get closer and closer to it, you start convincing yourself that maybe you do deserve that one thing, and then you get it; you get it, and you are suddenly wondering is that what you really wanted or is it what you thought was what you should want? I’m not going to go into detail, but something along these lines happened to me. I should have been ecstatic, it was what most people would have wanted, however I just wasn’t feeling it. I thought maybe it was because I was scared to allow myself to enjoy these kind of things, but no, I simply believe I am just not that kind of person, or at least not yet anyway.

But then I tried to convince myself to let it happen, to enjoy it, to not be scared and to let my guard down. And what happens? Once again I get hurt, no explanation, no closure as always. Or maybe I didn’t get hurt or lose it, but simply became a different person and certain things affected me in a way that they normally wouldn’t have due to past experiences and insecurities.

So why is it that I constantly try and convince myself that it’s not what I want, but then when I have it and lose it I feel like it’s the only thing I ever wanted? I’m a headstrong person, with my ideas pretty clear – yet I’m somehow indecisive. I know this is incompatible, however this is what I am – complicated, complicated but ME!